Entry #1

I am crying right now because I feel like I have to let them go no.
I feel like CPS has won. They took away my children and they are never coming back… I feel like they left me 5 years ago and I have not seen them since. Did you know how much I cried after that court case? How much I wish I could just leave and never come back.. I’ve failed them. I feel like such a failure and I will continue. Failing them because everyone else keeps taking them away from me..
But okay I guess I have to let them go.
Everyone around me is always trying to tell me what I’m doing is wrong. Always questioning why I am I doing things how I do them. I only want the best for my children. I want them to be full of life. I want them to know how much I love them. I care for their mental health and their physical health so much. I want them to learn that everything we are going through isn’t that bad and that with a positive mind we can overcome that. How am I supposed to show them that now when their whole life has been a wreck because of me.
I get a chance to start over with Benji but what about them? I wanted them to be by my side in my custody, seeing how I am, working together as a family unit and becoming an unstoppable force of positivity but I can’t do that now. Not with my mom and certainly not with them living 55 miles away. They are depressed now and that is my fault. I usually push this all aside but right now I’m allowed to let this all out. I NEVER wanted this for my children. FUCK CPS I hate them. Sorry for the language.
They have this fear now. A fear I know all too well. I wanted to end this cycle of fear but all I’ve done is allowed it to get worse and I don’t know if I can forgive myself… (I can forgive myself) <—-there’s that positivity that I love so much.
I messed up. &&’ now everything I wanted not to happen, is exactly what has happened. Is it my fault, yes and no. Can I fix it, yes. Do I know how to? I think so.. Should I ? I’m not so sure anymore..